Who Are Your Child’s Friends?

The host opens with a simple instinct: when she sees a child with good adab, she assumes they have good character and hopes her children will befriend them. But parents can only curate their children’s friendships for so long. Eventually children choose for themselves, so what do they need to know?

Ustadha Hosai Mojaddidi turns to the Prophet’s ﷺ parable of the good friend and the bad friend: the perfume seller and the blacksmith. Children absorb whatever their friends give off. A popular saying holds that we become like the five people we spend the most time with. Friends who carry noble qualities help us acquire them, while friends who are fun and mischievous, who pull back the curtain on an alluring world, can expose children to ideas that eventually harm them. When children are young, parents can protect them by socializing with like-minded families who share their values; as children grow, simple parables like this one put them in the driver’s seat of their own choices.

The host’s mother used to say, “You are who your friends are.” Ustadha Hina Khan-Mukhtar’s mother said the same, adding, “Don’t assume you’re better than your friends,” because we tend to believe we aren’t being affected. Building on the hadith Ustadha Hosai mentioned, Ustadha Hina explains the image: from the perfume seller, at the very least you leave smelling good, and he may even gift you some perfume; from the blacksmith, you either burn your clothes on the coals or leave smelling of smoke. She taught her children that no friendship is ever neutral. In every relationship, one person is affecting the other, and together you are either drawing each other closer to Allah or further away. Friends can be at different places on the journey, so children shouldn’t be self-righteous or look down on others, but the direction should be the same.

She also shares Aristotle’s three types of friendship. The lowest is utility, meeting each other’s needs, like carpooling or sharing class notes. Next is friendship based on pleasure: enjoying the same hobbies or being on the same team. The highest is friendship based on virtue, where you admire who your friend is and they inspire you to be better and to draw closer to your Lord. She would ask her children, without criticizing the friend, “How do you feel about yourself after spending time with them?” Peers pull on one another, so the question is: where am I going, who am I going with, and are they helping me on the way?

The guests also point to the hadith of a man who told the Prophet ﷺ, “I love that man,” as a companion walked by. The Prophet ﷺ asked, “Have you told him?” and told him to go and tell him. It is a striking example because it involves men, and many boys today are taught that expressing feelings isn’t for them, which can later make it hard for them to communicate in their relationships. In Islam, love for the sake of Allah is a soul connection shown through dua, service, and wanting good for one another. Friendships built on popularity or personal gain, without that sincere love, deserve a second look.

Two of one guest’s sons attended public high school, and she taught them to tell the difference between an acquaintance and a friend. Not every classmate is a friend; you can enjoy people’s company, but true friends are those who share your values. The host adds that children today often measure success by how many friends or social media followers they have, which leaves many feeling inadequate. The reminder is quality over quantity: like the Prophet’s ﷺ companions, our friendships form concentric circles, some closer and some further out, but all should share values and love for the sake of Allah.

Finally, the host raises oversharing: some things belong within the family, especially as peers start to matter more. The guests describe a TED talk that pictured friendship as a pyramid built on positivity, vulnerability, and consistency. Vulnerability matters, but it has limits: children can share who they are and what they need, but it isn’t their job to expose other people’s problems, and we are meant to be a garment protecting our families. Many children think laying everything bare proves they’re a true friend, so parents need to teach those limits. And it goes both ways: the host admits her children have taught her to respect their privacy too, instead of sharing their stories with her own friends.