Our Ways in Raising Children, Part 4

Sheikh Ali Hammuda opens the last session of his series “Our Ways” by saying that the more he studies the raising of children, the more he feels he has not done the topic justice. He asks the audience to propose their own age brackets and the defining feature of each, then offers the stages he says Islamic texts attach numbers to. Up to two is the period of breastfeeding named in the Quran. From two to seven is the stage that leads up to the hadith about instructing children to pray at seven. Seven to ten follows, and at ten, he says, the Prophet ﷺ raised the emphasis on prayer. Then comes puberty, when a person becomes accountable before Allah. He also mentions that the Quran names the age of forty as a point of full maturity.

For the years before seven, he says the defining feature is observation. Children watch, copy and imitate, so the best way to teach them is to model what you hope they will become. He says a classroom of pen and paper suits this age poorly, and he points to Finnish schools, which he describes as delaying formal academics until seven and providing space to play, socialize and learn by listening and watching in the meantime. As one idea, he suggests playing the portion of Quran you hope a child will learn in the background while they play. He says the most important thing for children to see is how their parents treat each other, with affection and respect, and how much they value prayer, for example by stopping to pray while traveling or out for a meal. He reads the hadith about instructing children at seven as implying that parents should not command prayer before then but let children come to love it by watching, and he mentions a father of many sons who pray at the masjid who gave him the same advice.

He also warns about what young children should not absorb, especially fear. He says fears children pick up by watching their parents can be very difficult to undo. He gives everyday examples, such as a parent shrieking at a spider or a mouse, or showing fear of dogs or of the dark, and says he tries to manage his own reactions so as not to pass on his parents’ fears. He adds that telling a young child to wait until Dad comes home may give the child an image of a father as a monster. Fathers do have a role in teaching and discipline, he says, but the point is not to terrify.

From seven to ten, Sheikh Ali says, a child can receive instruction in ways that were not possible before, and the defining feature is skills. He calls it a short, narrow window in which the soil receives whatever is planted, before the stubbornness and search for independence that come as puberty nears and before school and coursework crowd the calendar. He urges parents to immerse children in every honorable skill and experience available, such as managing money and time, literacy, social skills, technology, public speaking and drama, and to bring in relatives, teachers and tradespeople who can offer what the parents cannot. Love and care continue throughout, he says, but the priority at this stage is skills.

From ten to puberty, he says, the defining feature is duty and responsibility. Puberty is the greatest transformation a person goes through, and the point at which Allah holds a person accountable, so parents should extend trust by giving children duties and a sense of contributing to something bigger. Children at this age want to be treated as adults, he says, which is natural and should be guided: they can have privileges, but privileges come with responsibility, otherwise a sense of entitlement may follow. He notes that the Sunnah has little verbal guidance on this age and suggests that the Prophet ﷺ dealt with it practically, by entrusting young people with significant tasks, and he recalls the Prophet’s ﷺ gentle response to a young man struggling with desire. He suggests that some temptations teenagers fall into come from seeking validation elsewhere, and that a trusted, meaningful task leaves less room for them. He closes with two reminders. The earlier a parent steps in, the better, but it is never too late. And modeling is the most effective way of nurturing excellence. He cites Albert Schweitzer’s remark that it is not the best way but the only way, gives examples of mismatches children notice, such as asking a child to say you are not home, constant talk of money and investments, or smoking in front of them, and points to Abdullah ibn Umar, who narrated many reports praising his father, as a child shaped by seeing a parent’s character. He ends by saying that children learn what faith means from seeing parents make dua, pray attentively and give.