One Look in the Classroom

Michael Abraham opens by saying that a father’s presence has an outsized impact on Muslim youth culture and on the schools these young people attend. He works with schools on instructional supervision, and he says that after a few days in a classroom he can usually make a good guess about which children have both parents regularly present, which have a father who is there only some of the time (he mentions fathers who drive trucks), and which do not have a father in their lives. One sign he points to is a child who keeps turning his head to check on peers while the rest of the class faces the teacher. Another shows up in one-on-one conversations. He uses two illustrative boys: Hamza, who settles once he hears he isn’t in trouble and can talk about bigger ideas like maturity, and Zacky, who stays guarded, tense, and focused on the most recent incident. In his experience, a child who remains highly guarded may need repeated conversations over a long period before becoming more receptive. These are patterns Michael says he has observed in his work with schools; the video does not present them as research-based markers that can reliably identify whether a child’s father is present or absent.

Michael offers his own explanation for why this happens. He describes single mothers he has worked with who are carrying significant financial, practical, and emotional strain, sometimes while working multiple jobs and managing the household largely on their own. He believes that a parent’s ongoing stress can affect how children experience and respond to stress themselves. He also describes mothers hoping that the right masjid program, weekend school, or Islamic school will bridge the gap, leaving children spending most of their time among other children. In his view, the harm is less about screens themselves than about becoming overly invested in what peers think, with screens supplying the trends children use to get attention. To illustrate his argument, Michael contrasts a child he sees as securely connected at home with one he believes is seeking unmet emotional needs through peers. In his example, the first child can laugh at a passing meme and still remember why he is at school or madrasa, while the second may treat getting attention as the point. Without someone interrupting that cycle, he says, it can intensify as children get older.

Michael then turns to practical suggestions. He encourages single mothers to attend to their own emotional wellbeing, noting that what this looks like is different for each mother, and to avoid using programs and institutions in place of time together, even if that means getting by with less. He says children benefit from one-on-one time to decompress about their day and to talk through how other children behave. For fathers who are often away, he says money does not replace time. He describes brothers who moved from driving Uber to driving trucks and earned more but now see their children only a few days a month. He encourages staying connected while away, for example by recording a short video and sharing it in the family group chat, and doing so consistently. When home, he suggests visiting the child’s school if the school allows it and choosing activities the two of you do together, like a hike, rather than passive outings.

Finally, Michael speaks to teachers and those who work at masajid. He urges them to move away from a punishment-and-reward approach, and in particular to stop saying “I will call your mother,” since some children are already seeking attention from an exhausted parent. He says these children are harder to nurture, and that no one will replace their father, but he encourages patient conversations that help them understand their own defensive patterns. He says he has had children cry when he explained this to them. He also recommends proactive check-ins, including about what happens when they spend time with other children, since he says children can both receive and pass on negative influences.