Why Don’t Kids Respect Elders Anymore?

The CelebrateMercy host opens with memories many families will recognize. When her grandmother walked into a room, everyone, young and old, stood up and offered her a seat. Her father-in-law would stand up just to take a phone call from his older brother overseas. Times are changing: her own children have a warmer, more casual bond with their grandmother, which is beautiful in its own way, but she still wants them to learn the right way to honor elders, teachers, and scholars.

Ustadha Hosai recalls the hadith: “He is not one of us who does not show mercy to our young and honor the rights of our elders.” Elders have rights, and that means we must teach our children, and model, the respect they are due. She notes that much of today’s culture flattens the natural order within families and society, so Muslim families may need to consciously hold on to the standard of respect owed to elders and teachers.

She shares a lesson from one of her teachers that has stayed with her for years. Ustadha Hosai continues that as people age, they may sometimes become more forgetful—mixing up names or repeating a story without realizing they have already told it. One sign of adab with an elder or teacher is that when they share a story you’ve heard countless times, you listen as if it’s the first time. In their mind, they are giving you wisdom, a gift. Cutting them off with “You already told me this” is poor adab. Teaching children to respond to Grandma or Grandpa’s familiar stories with fresh attention is a simple, practical lesson that carries into everything else about how we treat elders.

Ustadha Hina has noticed a real difference between children who grow up with grandparents around and those who don’t. Being around someone higher in the family, and serving them, teaches selflessness: in a culture centered on “me and my needs,” grandparents naturally lead children to think of someone else first. If grandparents aren’t nearby, find elders in the community. Her family had an elderly neighbor, and one of her children would help him file his papers and sort out his taxes. Children also learn how to treat teachers by being brought into circles of learning and dhikr and to the weekly Jumu’ah prayer, where they see the adults around them showing respect. Ustadha Hina describes some of the practices she associates with adab toward teachers: not pointing one’s feet toward them, arriving ready to take notes, and avoiding mocking, criticizing, or publicly disagreeing with them. When children see their parents honoring their own mothers and teachers, they absorb that adab too.

Ustadha Hosai adds that many children today spend most of their time with peers their own age and miss the multigenerational life earlier generations had. On a trip to Turkey, she was struck by how visible elders were in everyday life, contrasting this with her experience of living in a time and place where older people can be more separated from everyday community life. So parents need to create that exposure. At community gatherings, teach children to notice an elder sitting alone and go ask how they are or whether they need anything. In the masjid or during prayer, teach them to be mindful of their bodies and not to run past elders, which could cause a real injury.

The CelebrateMercy host closes with a reminder that different generations may express love differently. She gives the example of an elder saying, “You don’t even visit me anymore,” and suggests helping children hear the affection underneath the complaint: “I miss you.” Helping children read between the lines builds compassion and patience across generations.