Why Won’t My Child Say Salam?

Few moments make parents more anxious than a child who won’t say salam to the aunties and uncles. This episode asks how we can teach this beautiful Sunnah so it becomes part of a child’s spiritual life, not just a social habit they perform under pressure.

Ustadha Hosai starts with the meaning. The Prophet ﷺ linked salam with love: spreading peace is how love grows between hearts. When we stop treating salam as a formal test of a child’s good character, and instead show them the good they are doing, the pressure fades. By giving salam they bring joy and happiness to people, and the one who initiates it earns more reward than the one who replies. Unlike “hi” or “hello,” salam is a prayer for someone, and the angels take part in it too. Those positive associations take away the anxiety of having to display perfect etiquette to please parents or impress others; it becomes about the child’s connection with Allah.

Ustadha Hina shares what she does when her students greet her with “Hi, Auntie Hina!” She tells them she loves being greeted, but she really wants their salam, because she needs peace in her life. She also reminds them that salam is the greeting of the people of Jannah, what they will say to one another there, so we practice it now. When children understand what they are doing and why, they are far more willing to do it. Ustadha Hina encourages children to give the person their attention as they offer salam, framing the greeting as a way of communicating, in effect, “I see you, and I wish you peace.”

The CelebrateMercy host recalls a young boy who would enthusiastically call out to greet her across the parking lot. His confidence prompts a question: what about children whose temperament is quieter or more reserved? Ustadha Hosai emphasizes respecting a child’s temperament and physical boundaries while teaching them to greet others. She cautions against pressuring children into hugs or other physical contact when they are uncomfortable, particularly in opposite-gender interactions, and encourages parents to teach healthy boundaries from an early age. Ustadha Hosai points to what she describes as a Prophetic model for greeting children that combines warmth and acknowledgment with appropriate physical boundaries. While customs differ across cultures, Islam has clear guidance around physical touch, particularly with those who aren’t close family. Children should know they never have to comply with demands to hug or embrace anyone.

Ustadha Hosai shares that she would stand alongside her own children during greetings—not to police them, but to give them a sense of safety while they learned how to navigate the interaction. Ustadha Hosai recommends preparing children before a gathering—talking through whom they may meet and what greeting them might look like—rather than expecting them to navigate the situation without preparation.

Ustadha Hina cautions against publicly calling a child out for failing to give salam or labeling them as “shy” in front of others. With younger children, she suggests simply modeling the greeting for them and allowing them to learn what is expected without being put on the spot. The CelebrateMercy host reflects on how exchanging salam with Muslims we encounter—even people we don’t know—can create an immediate sense of warmth and connection.