How to Say No to Your Kids and Get Them to Listen

Children today have far more autonomy than past generations, yet we still want them to ask before they act and to be grateful for what they receive. Where is the line? The host opens with a thought from Brené Brown: without boundaries, children can easily become entitled. So how do we set boundaries in a way that truly shapes character?

Ustadha Hosai points to the teaching attributed to Sayyiduna Ali about the stages of child development and what is appropriate at each stage. Today, she says, many parents want to befriend their children very early and slide into permissive parenting, almost seeing their own authority as a threat. The confusion comes from mixing up authoritarian parenting (harsh, controlling) with authoritative parenting (firm, warm, and respectful). The Prophetic model is the second: a parent holds their ground and exercises authority, but always with respect, just as the Prophet ﷺ respected every child he met.

As a teacher of logic and critical thinking, she reminds children that they are intellectual beings. Islamic tradition describes three faculties in a person: the rational, the emotional, and the appetitive. When we default to appetites and emotions, we lose negotiating power and end up in arguments and power struggles. When we lead with the intellect, we can actually make our case. She once counseled a family whose daughters kept fighting their parents over what they wanted. She suggested the girls make a PowerPoint presentation laying out why they wanted something, with evidence and reasons. The parents were so impressed by the effort and the lack of emotional manipulation that they responded favorably. Teaching children to communicate well, she says, prevents a great deal of conflict, and it should start early.

Ustadha Hina adds a spiritual dimension: we are our children’s first relationship with authority. To learn to submit to Allah and follow the Prophet ﷺ, sometimes without needing every “why” answered, children first learn to accept guidance from their parents. Today “choice” often means “control,” so parents should ask: are we building a healthy sense of autonomy, or a false sense of control? She tells of a friend who gave her four-year-old choices about everything, until one day she said, “Put on your shoes, we’re going to Trader Joe’s,” and he replied, “Okay, but what’s my other choice?”

The solution is to offer choices you’re genuinely happy with: this pair of shoes or that one, while wearing shoes stays non-negotiable. Another friend let her toddler choose his car seat, but not to put his feet up toward a Quran in the seat pocket; if he insisted, he’d sit in the other seat. The boundary stays clear, and the child’s choice lands within it. If boundaries are too tight, life feels like a prison and children rebel; if there are none, boundaries become invisible, and so does Allah. Ustadha Hosai notes the “paradox of choice”: too many options can overwhelm children, so the parent’s job is to set the options. Ustadha Hina distinguishes pampering from spoiling: a pampered child who doesn’t get what they want responds with gratitude and contentment; a spoiled child feels entitled and that life, and even God, is unfair.

How do we say no well? Ustadha Hina shares a friend’s alternative to “Because I said so”: when his children ask why, he answers, “Because I love you.” She also describes hearing no as a kind of “no vitamin”—something she believes is healthy for children. Ustadha Hosai responds that this is a beautiful example of maintaining gentleness even when a parent has to be firm; the Prophet ﷺ was known for rarely turning anyone away, and silence can sometimes be gentler than a blunt no. Ustadha Hina’s well-known tip is for every no, give two yeses. It is not about fearing your child’s disappointment; it is about being creative in the early years so children don’t experience their faith as something that only holds them back. The limits remain, and the wisdom behind them should be explained. Many of her now-adult children have told her how grateful they are for those limits, having seen the chaos when people have nothing holding them back.

On phones and gaming, Ustadha Hosai advises setting expectations early, well before adolescence. She told her boys when they were young that they would not simply get a smartphone at a certain age because everyone else had one; the decision would depend on maturity and responsibility, and any phone would come with limits. When the time came, they were happy with a basic phone for calls and texts. She also shared evidence with them, including a documentary on how heavy screen use affects the developing brain, so they understood the reasons. When a relative gifted her sons a PlayStation, she accepted it graciously but struck a deal: they could play once they cleaned out the garage. It took them two years, which showed how little they really valued it. To this day, the console is available but rarely touched.