The Role of Fathers in Islam

Shaykh Waleed Basyouni opens by naming what he sees as one of the modern challenges facing families: many children, he observes, feel close to their mothers but don’t see their fathers as contributing much. He says there are two sides to the problem, fathers and children, and starts with the fathers. A father’s role, he argues, goes beyond providing money and setting rules. It includes emotional support and being present to witness the good moments in a child’s life. He recalls overnight trips with his daughters and fishing days with his sons that his older children still remember, and he describes a time when he traveled often and brought gifts home. His daughter told him, “I like your gifts, but your presence is more beloved to me.”

From there, Shaykh Waleed describes how he thinks fathers can end up on the margins: when what children mostly encounter is a list of dos and don’ts, and frustration. He encourages fathers to keep offering quality time even when a child says no. He passes along advice he received from a woman, who told him children sometimes push away to see how serious a father is, and he says this matched his experience with his older children. His tip is to “catch” children doing something good and to say so, including with teenagers. He then turns to mothers. He cautions against a “good cop, bad cop” split, encourages parents to work through disagreements with each other rather than in front of the children, and asks mothers not to turn children against their father, even when they are upset with him. Shaykh Waleed says one doesn’t need to lie for him, but that children can be reminded of the importance of respecting their father.

Shaykh Waleed then speaks to children. He acknowledges that a father may not always have been there to hold a hand or attend a game, and says he wants children to know that a father still has their back. He frames a father’s working hours as a way of giving his time, and therefore his life, for his family. He tells a story of a father who always ate the mango skins so the fruit itself would be left for his children, something they only understood when they were older. Shaykh Waleed also acknowledges that fathers may be imperfect at expressing love, that none of them studied parenting and they learn as they go, and that some fathers were harsh or even violent. He asks children to weigh the good their fathers have given them and to forgive, and he asks, if we’re asked to forgive a stranger, how much more should we forgive our own father?

Shaykh Waleed closes with his understanding of a father’s leadership in the home. He reads a Quranic verse as indicating leadership for men, and explains that he understands leadership to mean practicing power with people, not over them. He says he believes a family, and a community beyond it, suffers when the father’s role is shaky or absent. He points to Islamic teachings that honor fathers as well as mothers, including a teaching that mentions the mother three times before the father, which he connects to the mother’s carrying, delivering, and nursing of her child. He is clear that this is not a competition, and that mothers and fathers complement one another.