How to Teach Your Kids to Handle Conflict Prophetically

Disagreements are a natural part of life, the CelebrateMercy host observes as the conversation begins. Parents disagree with their children, and children disagree with their parents, so the question is how to teach children to disagree respectfully—with Prophetic character in their words and tone. Ustadha Hosai responds with a story from her own family.

Years ago, her boys were playing with neighborhood children and climbed onto the roof of a neighbor’s house to fetch a ball, coming down quickly. Because she had an open relationship with them, they told her about it. But the neighbor’s mother had a big reaction, which Ustadha Hosai felt was out of proportion. She interrogated the children and accused them of lying, including her eldest son, whom she knew to be honest. He came home hurt and upset.

Her “mama bear” instinct kicked in, but she reminded herself of everything they had been discussing about modeling the virtues of our faith. She calmed her son and went to speak with the other mother, who was still upset and even went on the attack. With her son watching, Ustadha Hosai answered respectfully: “I understand you’re very upset because they were in a dangerous situation, and you’re concerned for all the children’s safety. I respect that.” Then she added gently that accusing children of lying isn’t something we should do, especially when they are being forthright. The mother calmed down, and the situation was resolved. Afterward, Ustadha Hosai explained to her son that even when you know you’re in the right, you still prioritize disagreeing respectfully, rather than getting defensive or attacking back.

Ustadha Hina draws out two lessons from that story. The first is having a good opinion of others (husn al-dhann): giving people the benefit of the doubt, as Ustadha Hosai did by acknowledging why the other mother reacted as she did, and putting ourselves in their shoes. The second is not getting personal. Ustadha Hina points to the Prophetic example of correcting in general terms—“Why do people do such and such?”—rather than calling someone out personally. In the same way, instead of saying, “You called my son a liar and you were wrong,” Ustadha Hosai said, “We shouldn’t accuse children of lying when they’re being honest.” Ustadha Hina warns that getting personal can derail a disagreement. She encourages children to use “I” statements—describing how something affected them rather than accusing the other person or questioning their intentions. These are tools they’ll use all their lives.

The host then turns to disagreements between parents and children, when we slip, lose our temper, or show poor adab ourselves. When should we apologize? Ustadha Hina says apologizing to children is an important part of parenting and of our own growth, but it shouldn’t come from fear or a desire to make our child happy with us. We are teaching them how to apologize: reflecting honestly, naming our regret and what we could have done better, and admitting, “I made a mistake.” Just as we turn to Allah in repentance, we model that with one another. Ustadha Hina observes that children can be eager to forgive their parents, which makes a sincere apology an opportunity to model accountability and repair. But she recalls her husband telling her, “The greatest apology is changed behavior.” Children quickly sense when apology after apology is followed by the same behavior, and words lose their impact if nothing changes.

Ustadha Hosai adds that a sincere apology is about accountability and truthfulness before Allah. She has sometimes caught her own mistake when no one else noticed, and gone back to her children to say, “Remember what I said yesterday? I thought about it more, and I was wrong.” It may feel good to be right, but if we are doing this for Allah’s sake, we stay honest, because He knows what is in our hearts. Ustadha Hina closes with one more piece of advice: don’t force your children to forgive you. Offer the apology, show that you’ve reflected and are trying to do better, and then give them space rather than demanding forgiveness, just as we hope Allah will forgive us.