Reflection Summary
Jim Harris
Harris argues that “What’s wrong with kids these days?” often carries a tone of contempt. He contrasts that with asking what young people need, which invites understanding rather than looking down on them.
What one generation saw as alarming often looks harmless, or even quaint, with enough distance.
Standing alongside a young person to understand their world works better than standing opposite them trying to fix them.
Harris observes that adults he asks rarely want to relive adolescence in today’s social environment, inviting parents to consider pressures their teenagers face that didn’t exist in the same form when they were young.
Raising a capable adult sometimes means tolerating a child’s unhappiness in the short term.
Too much accommodation can weaken a child, too much pushing without understanding their differences can break them.
Jim Harris opens by admitting he has asked the question himself, despite working with young people professionally: what’s wrong with kids these days? He leans on an H.L. Mencken line about complex problems having answers that are clear, simple, and wrong, to make the point that this particular question tends to produce exactly that kind of answer. His proposed fix is less a solution than a better starting question, swapping what’s wrong with kids these days for what do kids need these days.
He points to John Gottman’s research on contempt in marriage, then uses that idea to illuminate a very different setting: how adults talk about young people. Contempt, as he describes it, is distinct from ordinary criticism because it carries a sense of looking down on the other person. He argues the first question tends to carry a similarly contemptuous tone, a nose to nose posture aimed at fixing or correcting. The second question invites something he calls a hip to hip posture instead, standing alongside a young person to understand their actual world, rather than standing opposite them trying to correct it.
To illustrate how easily each generation misjudges the next, he walks through a few lighthearted historical examples, a famous 1950s television performance considered too provocative to film below the waist, and a band name later generations were taught to fear as something sinister, both of which look almost quaint with distance. He pairs this with an informal observation from asking large audiences whether they would trade places with their own teenager growing up in today’s world. Almost no one raises a hand, and he personally believes today’s social context is more complicated than the one many parents grew up in.
He brings this down to a specific moment with his own teenage son, holding a boundary around a chore despite being told, in the moment, that he was being mean. His response, that the goal of parenting is not to raise happy children but functional adults, becomes the pivot into a broader framework: balancing acceptance of a child’s real differences and struggles against the genuine growth that only comes from facing consequence, failure, and responsibility. Too much accommodation, he argues, can weaken a young person, while too much pushing without understanding their unique needs can break them. He closes by returning to the reframed question one more time, not what’s wrong with this kid, but what does this kid need from me.
Next time you think what’s wrong with this kid, pause and ask yourself what does this kid need instead.
Notice whether your response to your child’s behavior carries genuine curiosity or a tone of contempt.
Consider whether you’re accepting your child’s real differences enough, or pushing without understanding them.
Remember that a short-term unhappy moment, over a chore or boundary, can be part of raising a capable, functional adult.
There are no right or wrong answers here, just space to think about your own family.
When you find yourself frustrated with a young person, what question are you actually asking yourself?
Where in your parenting might you be leaning too far toward pure acceptance, or too far toward pushing without enough understanding?
What would you want your child to remember about how you handled their unhappiness over a boundary or responsibility?
If you’re honest, would you trade places with your own teenager growing up in today’s world? What does your answer tell you?
Every family is different. If you’ve tried something that made a difference in your family, we’d love to hear about it.
More reflections that may help you think about this from another angle.
