Be Gentle: A Talk for Parents and Teachers

In this talk for parents and teachers, Ustadha Hosai reflects on the Prophetic teaching that gentleness beautifies everything it touches, and that those who are gentle, easy, and approachable are promised protection from the Fire. She encourages listeners to make the intention to become that kind of person.

But what does it mean to be gentle? She connects it to the Islamic study of temperament (mizaj). Just as we inherit physical traits, we inherit tendencies in our personalities. The point of understanding our temperament isn’t to label ourselves, but to see our strengths and weaknesses, and how far we are from the balanced character of the Prophet ﷺ, whose temperament was perfectly balanced. If you tend to react emotionally, blurting things out before thinking, that is a sign of work to do. The Prophet ﷺ had immense self-restraint: he paused, considered the best response, and modeled it. That kind of presence comes from being aware that Allah is always watching, whether someone cuts us off on the freeway or a family member irritates us.

Our tradition doesn’t accept “I am who I am, take it or leave it.” We are works in progress, fallible but never without hope, always turning back to the Prophet’s ﷺ example. Gentleness, she explains, is a whole way of being: approachable, kind, compassionate, welcoming, someone people are glad to see. She contrasts this with much of today’s celebrity and social media culture, which often celebrates arrogance and self-importance. No one carried more worry than the Prophet ﷺ, yet he was the gentlest and most loving of people. Children, the poor, and people of every background felt seen, heard, and valued with him, because he didn’t burden others with what was in his own heart.

She shares a story from her early teaching career at an Islamic school. A seventh- or eighth-grade boy arrived from public school already labeled a troublemaker: guarded, harsh-mannered, unwilling to listen. Other teachers told her not to bother. But remembering that the Prophet ﷺ never gave up on anyone, she chose a gentle approach: no rebuking, no shaming, no sending him to the office. When he didn’t want to participate, she let him be, while he still benefited from being among his classmates. One day, as he was the last to leave, she noticed tears in his eyes. She simply told him, sincerely, “You are such a good boy.” For the first time, he opened up: he was being severely abused at home. He didn’t trust adults because none had protected him; they had only labeled him the problem. A gentle, non-judgmental approach allowed him to finally be heard.

That’s why she urges anyone working with children to learn about child development. She recommends Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development: young children are working out trust; school-age children are building competence and can easily feel inferior; teenagers are forming their identity amid many confusing messages. “My way or the highway” parenting, with yelling and ultimatums, is, she says, the least effective approach. She also cites the teaching attributed to Sayyiduna Ali that the first seven years of childhood are for play.

She recalls another painful encounter: a 13-year-old girl who approached her after a large event and described years of severe abuse tied to her Quran recitation, and who was now struggling with self-harm and thoughts of not wanting to live. Stories like these, and women in study circles who quietly mention they don’t want to go home, remind her that we never know what someone is going through. So don’t judge by appearances, make no assumptions, focus on bettering yourself, and be a person of ease.

Finally, she speaks to parents whose relationships with their children have broken down because they weren’t present or made mistakes. Her message: don’t give up. Your children are an amanah as long as you live. Turn to Allah in dua, acknowledge your mistakes, give gifts, reach out in different ways, and involve others who may help. And be gentle with yourself too. Ustadha Hosai emphasizes sincere tawbah, acknowledging our mistakes and asking Allah for forgiveness, while warning against arrogance, heedlessness, hopelessness, and despair. Don’t let despair convince you it’s too late.

A note from ValueOurKids: if you are concerned that a child is being abused or is at risk of harming themselves, please contact your local child protection services, emergency services, or a crisis helpline. Reaching out can save a life.