Reflection Summary
Spencer Russell
Russell presents a set of techniques he says can help children focus and follow directions more successfully, based on methods he developed during his teaching career.
Russell recommends working face-to-face and relatively close, maintaining attentive eye contact, and—when appropriate and comfortable for the child—using a small point of physical connection such as a high-five.
Russell believes a parent’s calm, confident presence affects how readily a child engages, and he encourages parents to notice the doubt or nervousness they may bring into the interaction.
Save real choices for things that don’t matter (which marker color) and give clear, direct language for things that do (what to do next).
Russell opens with a memory from his first year of teaching: 25 kindergartners “bouncing off the walls,” and a nagging thought that something was wrong with his kids. Then he noticed those same students following every direction from another teacher, Miss Williams — even when she came into his own classroom and taught his kids the exact same math lesson he’d been struggling to get through. It wasn’t the subject, and it wasn’t her personality. It was a specific, repeatable set of habits he set out to learn by watching and copying her, until he was eventually the teacher requesting the most challenging kids in the grade.
The technique itself has almost nothing to do with curriculum. It’s about how you physically show up: sitting face-to-face rather than side-by-side, getting close rather than keeping a polite distance, and holding eye contact from the first moment of an activity rather than letting your attention wander. He adds a point of physical contact — a hand on the shoulder or knee, or something as simple as a high-five — as another way of keeping a child anchored in the moment rather than drifting.
Just as important, he says, is energy. A calm, confident tone — not sing-songy, not hesitant — tells a child what to expect. He’s candid that this is the hardest part for a lot of parents: the quiet self-doubt about whether a child will actually listen is something kids pick up on before a single word is spoken, and that doubt can undo everything else you’re doing right.
His most concrete tool is a distinction between three kinds of language: questions, statements, and directions. A real question (“Do you want to do your sounds?”) invites a genuine no, and once you’ve offered that choice, he says, you have to honor it. A statement (“It’s learning time”) sets no clear expectation and is easy for a child to ignore. A direction (“Tell me the first sound”) states exactly what’s expected. His advice isn’t to stop asking questions — he sprinkles in plenty, letting a child choose the marker color or which board to erase — but to reserve real choices for things that genuinely don’t matter, and use clear, direct language for the things that do.
He closes on something less mechanical: none of this works, he says, if you go in believing your child can’t do it. For faith-minded parents, Russell’s emphasis on approaching a child with belief rather than defeat can invite a broader reflection on how we see the children entrusted to us: not only through today’s difficult behavior, but through their capacity to learn and grow.
Sit directly in front of your child, close enough to feel really present together, rather than beside them or across the room.
Try to keep your eyes on theirs, especially in the first moments of an activity — following your child’s comfort level rather than forcing it.
When it feels comfortable for your child, a hand on the shoulder, a touch on the knee, or a high-five can help anchor their attention in the moment.
Tell your child exactly what you’re about to do and what happens afterward, so nothing is left for them to guess.
Instead of “It’s time to clean up,” try a direct instruction like “Put the blocks in the bin,” and save real choices for things that don’t matter.
There are no right or wrong answers here, just space to think about your own family.
When you ask your child to do something, are you usually face-to-face and close, or calling out from another room?
Do you notice your own nervous or doubtful energy before a task your child usually resists? What would it look like to approach it differently?
Think of a recent request you gave your child — was it really a direction, or was it more of a question or a vague statement?
What real, low-stakes choices could you offer your child more often, to give them a genuine sense of control?
Is there an area where you’ve quietly started to believe “my child just can’t do this”? What would change if you set that belief aside?
Every family is different. If you’ve tried something that made a difference in your family, we’d love to hear about it.
More reflections that may help you think about this from another angle.
Michael Abraham
Ustadha Hosai Mojaddidi
Ustadha Hina Khan-Mukhtar & Ustadha Hosai Mojaddidi
Ustadha Hina Khan-Mukhtar & Ustadha Hosai Mojaddidi