There’s More to Raising Children Than You Think

Ustadh Abdulrahman Hassan opens this lecture to a live audience, many of them not yet parents, by saying the topic is worth hearing now and hearing often, so that it becomes second nature later. He roots the talk in the idea that children are a blessing. He points to Quranic references to children as a blessing and an adornment of this life, and to a hadith in which every person is described as a shepherd who will be asked about their flock. In his reading, blessings come with accountability, and parents will be asked whether they cared for, nurtured, and guided their children well. The rest of the talk, as he frames it, is a set of practical answers to how a parent can prepare for that question.

From there, Ustadh Abdulrahman walks through what he calls the rights of the child. In his telling, they begin before birth, with the character of the home a child arrives in: he encourages couples to keep growing in faith together, mentions a supplication for protection at the time of conception, urges avoiding things that could harm a child’s health, and encourages choosing a name with thought, sharing how his own name and his children’s names carry stories they have come to value. After birth, he describes teaching children the basics of their faith in step-by-step lessons, and teaching manners by asking them to stand beside him and copy him: how to greet, enter a room, eat, and visit someone’s home, including knocking, saying who you are, waiting to be invited in, and asking permission to leave. He describes this as a classroom that runs through ordinary moments, often as a question-and-answer game, and says that when his children ask something he cannot answer, he tells them so and promises to look into it.

A good stretch of the talk is about fairness. Ustadh Abdulrahman says parents sometimes create the rivalry between siblings that they later complain about, often through favoritism. He describes handling sibling disputes at home almost like a courtroom, asking each child for their account, taking notes, and trying not to arrive with preconceived ideas, and he recalls finding that the quiet, easygoing child was sometimes the one in the wrong that day. He cautions against asking a child to forgive before the wrong has been acknowledged, and against rallying siblings to shun one child. On gifts, he mentions a report in which the Prophet declined to witness a gift given to one child and not another, and a prophetic instruction to fear Allah and be just between one’s children.

Throughout, he keeps returning to presence. Ustadh Abdulrahman suggests that regular time with children lets a parent notice small shifts early, and that children are more motivated when a parent studies or reads alongside them rather than sending them off while looking at a phone. He also voices concern that what children learn at home can sit at odds with what they meet at school and among peers, which he gives as part of why he urges parents to take an active role early. He speaks pointedly to parents, suggesting that those who step back from their children’s lives when they are young may find less closeness later, while adding that he is addressing parents here, not telling children their duty of kindness to parents depends on it. He closes warmly: sit with your children, play with them, take them to the park, tell them stories at night, and send them a voice message before work that they can listen to in the morning.