When Your Child Misbehaves, Don’t Do This

This episode opens with an idea from Dr. Daniel Siegel’s The Whole-Brain Child: connection over correction. Children are far more open to being corrected when they feel connected to us. Yet in the process of teaching our children adab, parents often lose their own. We treat a single misbehavior as if it defines the child’s character, instead of seeing it as a moment in time that can be corrected. What matters is how we correct.

Ustadha Hosai begins with empathy, a hallmark of the Prophet ﷺ. To really understand our children, she says, we have to see them as separate people, not extensions of ourselves. When we see a child as a reflection of us, misbehavior sends us into a panic about how it looks. Understanding temperament helps: some children are introverted, some extroverted, some soft-hearted, others energetic and rambunctious. Ustadha Hosai points to Imam al-Ghazali and other teachers who, she says, strongly emphasized understanding children’s temperaments because adults can cause harm when they fail to understand the child in front of them. When we recognize each child’s unique nature, we can tailor our parenting to what that child actually needs.

She shares the example of Anas ibn Malik, who served the Prophet ﷺ from the age of ten and said he never once asked him, “Why did you do this?” or “Why didn’t you do that?” Once, the Prophet ﷺ asked young Anas to run an errand, and Anas said no. The Prophet ﷺ smiled and walked away. Later he came back and gently asked, “Did you do what I asked?” and Anas replied, “I’m on it right now.” Instead of reacting in the moment and treating a child’s distraction as defiance or disrespect, he gave him space and expected good. Children are in an age of play, easily absorbed and easily distracted; responding with Prophetic empathy, and coming back a little later, gives them the chance to want to please you.

The CelebrateMercy host shares something she learned from her friend Dr. Kanita: when Dr. Kanita’s son once forgot to bring her some water, she resisted guilt-tripping him and instead made dua for him: “May you drink from the river in Jannah.” The host reflects on how this turns a moment of frustration into connection, mercy, and teaching.

Ustadha Hina adds that expecting good from children helps them deliver good. “Did you take care of it?” lands very differently from “You didn’t do what I asked.” She also reminds parents that adab isn’t taught through grand lectures but in micro moments, the small, everyday responses to life’s ups and downs. The ultimate adab is with Allah, who places us in every situation. She describes four states we can find ourselves in, each with its own response: when we disobey, we turn to Allah in repentance; when we obey, we recognize that even our obedience is His gift; when we are tested, we respond with patience; and when we are blessed, we respond with gratitude.

Her favorite example: when her sons were little, it started to rain and she sang the familiar “Rain, rain, go away, come again another day.” Her brother gently pointed out that the song teaches children to reject Allah’s blessing just because they want to play. So they rewrote it: “Rain, rain, come on down, come and fall upon the ground… You’re a mercy from our Lord… I turn to Allah gratefully.” They sang it every time it rained. Years later, a long-awaited picnic was cancelled because of rain. She watched her two disappointed boys at the glass door, and heard the older one tell his little brother, “It’s okay. Allah’s being kind to us. California needs the rain. We’ll go another day.” Ustadha Hina reflects that had she continued reinforcing the old ‘Rain, rain, go away’ message, her children’s response might instead have been frustration at what was happening to them. For her, the experience illustrated how small, repeated moments can shape the attitudes children carry into disappointment. Instead, a small song sung in countless ordinary moments had taught them contentment and trust. Those micro moments, she says, happen every single day, and they are where adab is truly taught.