Teach Your Child This Before Anything Else: Adab

This conversation begins with a simple question: with so much to teach our children, where do we start? Ustadha Hina Khan-Mukhtar recalls asking a scholar exactly that, expecting him to name a fiqh book or a list of surahs to memorize. Without blinking, he said: teach your children adab, good manners and character. Many parents focus on the rules and rituals of the religion and skip adab, yet adab beautifies everything it touches. Years later, when her teenage son asked a scholar for advice, he got the same answer: have adab, even a little, and it will beautify your life and the lives of those around you.

The simplest definition of adab, the guests explain, is putting things in their proper place: your words, your actions, your belongings, and above all, where Allah sits in your life. Manners can vary by culture, but from an Islamic perspective the most complete picture of adab is the character of the Prophet ﷺ, who said he was sent to perfect good character. Studying how he spoke to young and old, how he met people of every background, and how he greeted others cheerfully even while carrying enormous burdens is itself the study of adab.

Ustadha Hina describes parenting as one of the biggest spiritual gyms you will ever enter. We assume parenting is top-down, but it is really about working on ourselves, because children “listen with their eyes.” She shares a story: she saw her son slamming doors and grumbling because he couldn’t find a pen, and began lecturing him about patience, then remembered that just a day earlier she had been slamming drawers and muttering while hunting for her keys. He was simply reflecting what she had shown him. Children are like sponges: when they are squeezed, what comes out is whatever they absorbed. The CelebrateMercy host reflects that parents can feel as though they have given birth to ‘little mirrors,’ connecting this to the teaching that the believer is a mirror to the believer. Ustadha Hosai then takes the idea further, encouraging parents—even before having children—to take honest inventory of their own tone, reactions, spiritual practice, and shortcomings.

Ustadha Hosai describes one boundary that she and her husband established in their own parenting: they would not use force or threats to frighten their children into behaving. She contrasts this with the Prophetic model of correcting children gently and taking care with a child’s heart. Correction is sometimes necessary, but Imam al-Ghazali warned that children are a trust we can make or break, so it should never come at the cost of that trust. Setting non-negotiable rules like this ahead of time matters, because in the heat of the moment we all react.

Parents should also be a united team: discuss differences privately and present a united front. Much of the talk turns practical. When our child doesn’t say salam to an auntie, the inner voice often asks, “What will people think of me?”, and we correct them publicly to prove we’re on top of it. Instead, Ustadha Hina suggests coaching before the moment, not during it. Before a visit, give young children three or four concrete expectations: say salam to the auntie and uncle, sit with us for 15 minutes before going to play, offer the guests a glass of water. Remind them beforehand and follow up afterward. In the moment, simply model it: if your child is too shy, say salam for them, without labeling them “shy,” which children can grow into. Ustadha Hosai builds on this by suggesting role-playing beforehand—even in the car on the way—so children can practice what the situation will look like before they enter it.

Teach the why, too. Unlike “hi” or “hello,” salam is literally a prayer for someone, and the Prophet ﷺ taught that spreading salam increases love between hearts; the one who initiates it earns more reward. That message empowers a child far more than being rebuked or shamed. And catch them getting it right: Ustadha Hina shares that when an auntie recently texted to say how touched she was by one of her son’s greetings, she made sure to pass the compliment along to him. Ustadha Hosai builds on this by encouraging parents to notice and share positive feedback about one another’s children, creating a community in which good character does not go unnoticed.

For one final piece of advice, Ustadha Hosai recommends connecting children to the Prophet ﷺ through storytelling rather than treating manners like a school subject, including stories of how he greeted, played with, and honored children, so they know they matter to him. Ustadha Hina’s answer is role modeling: when parents ask how to get a shy child to say salam, she points to how the Prophet ﷺ would stand, greet his daughter Fatima, kiss her forehead, and seat her in his place, rather than waiting for her to greet him first. The more adab we show, the more it becomes the water our children swim in.