Reflection Summary
Sheikh Belal Assaad
The Prophet Muhammad never spoke harshly to any child, and warned parents against harming children physically, verbally, or emotionally.
Using scripture to justify excessive demands on children is described as bordering on a serious spiritual violation, not simply poor parenting.
Kids may not always obey a parent’s words, but they consistently copy their parent’s actual behavior.
This distinction is offered as genuinely freeing for adult children stuck in a painful dynamic with a parent.
When a parent’s behavior becomes abusive, creating safe distance is allowed, even though completely severing family ties generally isn’t encouraged.
Some demands framed as religious obligations turn out, on closer scholarly examination, to not be genuine rights at all.
Responding to a question about parents who are verbally and emotionally abusive while using religious language to justify their demands, Sheikh Belal addresses parents directly first. Children are a trust from Allah, and the Prophet Muhammad never once spoke harshly to any child. He points to the account of Anas ibn Malik, who served the Prophet for ten years as a boy and testified that he never heard a single hurtful word, not even a simple why didn’t you do that, even when he genuinely fell short of a task. The Prophet warned parents explicitly against harming a child physically, verbally, or emotionally, framing all three as forbidden and something Allah will hold a parent accountable for.
Sheikh Belal is especially direct about misusing scripture to justify controlling behavior, describing it as carrying real spiritual weight, connected to a Quranic warning about earlier communities who used Allah’s verses for their own cheap gain or personal desires. He ties this back to something practical: children copy what they see far more reliably than they obey what they’re told, so a parent’s actual conduct, not their words or their citations, is the real curriculum a child absorbs. Controlling behavior justified through religious language does not escape this pattern, it simply teaches a more confusing and painful version of it.
He then turns to guidance for someone living with this dynamic. A person cannot control a parent’s behavior, but they can control their own responses, and this distinction is offered as genuinely freeing rather than a way of excusing the parent. When real harm is present, creating safe distance from a parent is a legitimate, permitted option, though Sheikh Belal is careful to note that full estrangement remains discouraged except in cases of genuine danger, distance and disconnection are not the same thing.
He closes with a specific piece of practical discernment: not every demand framed as a religious right actually is one, sometimes culture, misunderstanding, or convenience gets dressed up as scripture, and consulting a knowledgeable scholar can clarify whether a specific claim genuinely holds up. His final charge is aimed at breaking cycles rather than assigning blame, making sincere dua for a difficult parent rather than only carrying resentment, and channeling that energy into raising the next generation differently, following the Prophet’s actual example rather than repeating what was modeled.
Honestly consider whether you’ve ever used religious language to demand something more about your own comfort than your child’s genuine wellbeing.
Pay attention to whether your children are copying behaviors you’d rather they didn’t, since imitation happens regardless of what you say.
If you are navigating a difficult relationship with your own parents, focus your energy on your own responses and boundaries, not on changing them.
If a parent frames a demand as a religious obligation that feels off, consider asking a knowledgeable scholar rather than assuming it is settled.
There are no right or wrong answers here, just space to think about your own family.
Have you ever used religious language to justify a demand on your child that was really more about your own comfort or control?
What would it look like to focus on your own responses rather than trying to change a difficult parent’s behavior?
Where might you need to set healthier boundaries with a family member, without fully cutting off the relationship?
What specifically do you want to do differently with your own children than what was modeled for you?
Every family is different. If you’ve tried something that made a difference in your family, we’d love to hear about it.
More reflections that may help you think about this from another angle.
