Parenting Lessons from the Quran: Listening to Your Children

The speaker begins with the Quranic account of Yusuf speaking to his father and reads the wording as suggesting that Yusuf spoke when he chose to. He contrasts this with a parent, who can decide when to talk to a child by noticing when the child is busy, upset, or heading out. Children, he says, do not weigh whether a moment is a good one; they speak when a feeling or thought comes to them. His examples are familiar ones, such as a child asking about a missing shoe or a pink ribbon while a parent holds two phones and something is cooking on the stove. He notes that adults often react by wondering why a child does not have the sense to know when to talk. His answer is that expecting a child to schedule comments around an adult’s day is an unrealistic, adult expectation. In practice, he says, a child will mostly either speak whenever or stop speaking.

The next time a child interrupts at an awkward moment, you might notice your first reaction and whether a brief, warm pause to listen is possible.

Reflecting on Yaqub listening rather than postponing the conversation, the speaker says parents need to go out of their way to be good listeners to their children. He places this against a society in which many forces pull people’s attention elsewhere. He describes his own decision to end calls in the driveway and let texting quiet down once he enters the house. He explains that his children bring him things that matter to them whether or not those things seem to matter to him. His examples come from his own family: an art project, a box, a bent straw treated as the most amazing thing. He says he does not want to answer by asking for something more impressive or by treating it as a waste of his time. What counts most to him is that his children feel he is there to listen.

Consider whether one small transition in your day, such as walking in the door, could become a few minutes of putting the phone away so a child can sense you are available.

The speaker says communication does not come naturally to many fathers in particular and has to be built, beginning with listening. He draws this lesson from the example of Yaqub in the Quranic story. He describes himself as unable to multitask and says he has to learn to listen to one child at a time. When several children come to him at once, he describes taking one child, telling the others they will have their turn, and giving that child his full attention. For him, listening includes responding and acknowledging, which he calls important validations for children. Then he moves on to the next child, even while others are growing impatient. In his view, showing interest in even the smallest things matters, since what looks minor to an adult can be the whole world to a child, and he suggests this helps children feel connected to a parent.

If more than one child wants you at once, you could tell each that their turn is coming and notice how it feels to give one of them your full attention for a few minutes.